My husband

'Thank you for saving our son's life tonight,' I thought to myself. 'I'm sorry I couldn't save his brother.' I had wished I could say those words out loud to my husband tonight. In the quickest and swiftest of moments, as I leaned over to scoop food into the dog bowl, I looked up to … Continue reading My husband

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I wonder

I wonder if there will ever be a day where I feel 'normal.' Right, relative term. But I mean in the sense that I don't constantly feel the heavy burden of grief dragging at every part of my body, willing me to want sleep over any other state. I've had plenty of 'good' days. But … Continue reading I wonder

Tomorrow

This was written 3/21 but posted today. -- It's no secret that this has been a tough month for me. It's also no secret that I have been in grief counseling since the loss of my angel. My counselor said something to me this week that came as a bit of a surprise. I told … Continue reading Tomorrow

I wish

I wish it were different. I wish you were still here. I wish I weren't sad. All the time. I wish I could have one day where I don't feel the gravity of your loss. I wish I could give all of myself to anyone or anything. But a part of me is missing. I … Continue reading I wish

Song of the day: 3.16.19

When it rain it pours but you didn't even notice It ain't rainin' anymore, it's hard to breathe when all we know is The struggle of staying above, the rising water line Well the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin' But you're stuck out in the same old storm again You … Continue reading Song of the day: 3.16.19

I get it

In the midst of my painful week of grieving, I found someone with a similar story, but very different outcome. I read an article today about Michael Bublé and his 'comeback' to the music industry after his three-year-old son's battle with a liver cancer, hepatoblastoma. This is the same cancer my angel had. And he was also three … Continue reading I get it

Missing my baby

Hi sweet angel. I was remembering this day so vividly four years ago. It was unseasonably warm. I took you out in your new stroller. Your little body was so weak, but we dressed you in play clothes and your adorable hat. And I have pictures of you sitting at the top of the slide … Continue reading Missing my baby

The need for permission

This last week I have been more broken, if that's possible, than I have been for quite a while. The weight of not having my angel here, the decisions I've had to make, the game face I've had to wear, has just been too much. I stayed in bed for most of three days. I … Continue reading The need for permission

Dreaming

I woke up this morning after a very vivid dream. My angel was just a baby, tucked into his car seat, covered with a blanket. I wrapped my body around the carrier, trying my hardest to keep him warm. But I couldn't. He was cold. So very cold. I woke up sweating, crying. I'd lost … Continue reading Dreaming

Changing for mamas

I have many strong beliefs. Since my angel went to Heaven, I have learned more about myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally, than I ever had in the past. I was a Division I college athlete. That taught me more about teamwork, and motivation, and pure grit, than anything I have experienced. I am a transplant … Continue reading Changing for mamas