I get it

In the midst of my painful week of grieving, I found someone with a similar story, but very different outcome. I read an article today about Michael Bublé and his 'comeback' to the music industry after his three-year-old son's battle with a liver cancer, hepatoblastoma. This is the same cancer my angel had. And he was also three … Continue reading I get it

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Missing my baby

Hi sweet angel. I was remembering this day so vividly four years ago. It was unseasonably warm. I took you out in your new stroller. Your little body was so weak, but we dressed you in play clothes and your adorable hat. And I have pictures of you sitting at the top of the slide … Continue reading Missing my baby

The need for permission

This last week I have been more broken, if that's possible, than I have been for quite a while. The weight of not having my angel here, the decisions I've had to make, the game face I've had to wear, has just been too much. I stayed in bed for most of three days. I … Continue reading The need for permission

Dreaming

I woke up this morning after a very vivid dream. My angel was just a baby, tucked into his car seat, covered with a blanket. I wrapped my body around the carrier, trying my hardest to keep him warm. But I couldn't. He was cold. So very cold. I woke up sweating, crying. I'd lost … Continue reading Dreaming

Explaining the word ‘dead’

I still never speak the work 'dead' about my angel in Heaven. He is in Heaven. He is not here on Earth. But I refuse to believe that he is gone. I know he is not. He is with me in spirit, riding on my heart, and in every one of my thoughts. My angel … Continue reading Explaining the word ‘dead’

Finding ways to be grateful

Sometimes, as a loss parent, it's easy to concentrate on the tragedy, on what we've lost, on life's difficulties. I feel grateful often. Because one way that child loss changes people is it often makes you appreciate what you do have. And I have a lot. A husband who I love and cherish, an extended … Continue reading Finding ways to be grateful

The loss of a child

I turned on the news yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work. Generally, in the morning, our TV is either off or playing a cartoon while my son takes a few minutes to wake up before changing out of jammies, having breakfast, and brushing his teeth. But yesterday, I turned it on because … Continue reading The loss of a child

Magical Christmas

This is the fourth Christmas we have celebrated with our angel in Heaven. It will be the third we are celebrating with our angel on Earth. It is the very first Christmas where we have a child who is cognizant of Santa, terribly excited for him to visit, planning what kind and where the cookies … Continue reading Magical Christmas

Time stops

Hi, Baby, It feels like it's been a while since I've written to you. I talk to you every day, and even though I can't always hear you, I know you are listening. Like on Thanksgiving, when we had both grandma's, both grandpa's, your aunt and your cousins. It was a dinner of all our … Continue reading Time stops

Labeling emotions

My little angel on Earth and I have been attending counseling to help with some behavior challenges. I am still not sure if they are his challenges, or mine, but I felt like we could use some help. So I took a recommendation from his preschool principal, and we have found someone that is helping … Continue reading Labeling emotions