Trauma and grief

Because I am a neurotic, over-protective, and sometimes insane mother, I have been working with multiple professionals to try to address the needs of my angel on Earth. Like his brother, my angel in Heaven, he has some challenges. But, the challenges of the two are vastly different. My angel in Heaven was 'sick' his … Continue reading Trauma and grief

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It is never acceptable

I have read, and reread, and edited this post many times over the past three days. I have been terrified to publish it. I am worried how I will appear and how it may affect my family. But this blog has always been a part of my therapy, my healing. And I feel it is … Continue reading It is never acceptable

My special boys

My angel in Heaven was special from the moment he entered this Earth. At one pound, one ounce, he would need levels of intervention reserved for the most extreme circumstances. I remember the pediatric resident, who was maybe fifteen, talking me through what 23 weeks gestation really meant when I was first hospitalized and ordered … Continue reading My special boys

Security

As I'm writing this, I can see my angel on Earth, his sleepy eyes fading as his head lies at the foot of his bed. He peers through the tiny opening of his bedroom door. I put him to bed with his two books after a night with a babysitter because I had a PTA … Continue reading Security

Polishing the past

I've written about my necklace before. It was a gift from my 'minions.' My girlfriends who cheered me through my son's chemotherapy. Who set up his service perfectly. Who cried with me. Who send me notes of how they, and their children, remember him, regularly. My girls, my squad, my people. I couldn't survive this … Continue reading Polishing the past

My rainbow baby

This term, defined in loss-parenting circles, as the child you conceive and deliver after pregnancy loss, still birth, or child loss. The 'rainbow babies' are our glimmer of hope, the reward for our trauma, the reason to keep trying and keep hoping. I was never going to have a rainbow baby. Soon after our son … Continue reading My rainbow baby

You’re always my story

I'm in California this week, working. My days are fueled with forced smiles, beautiful views, and empathetic nods. It's a good trip so far. But every time I have to talk about me, I always talk about you. My story, though simple to an outsider, is so incredibly complex, because of you. "I have an … Continue reading You’re always my story

The only judge

I find myself getting caught in a trap of judgement. I read the news and everyone is taking sides on the current border crisis. I go to work and leave at the end of the day defeated, because there's no solution to the current state of affairs. I go to bed worried that my little … Continue reading The only judge

Why I’m #1

Child loss teaches invaluable lessons. Some seem obvious, like 'don't take anything for granted,' because you don't know how long you may have it. But there's an important lesson I continue to learn after caring for a terminally I'll child who I now parent in Heaven. And that is that I have to respect, admire, … Continue reading Why I’m #1

Sharing angels

I forwarded a little story with my coworkers over email today about some volunteer work my team did at the Ronald McDonald House a couple weeks ago. There were six of us who went and were able to clean six guest rooms in a couple hours. I shared with the other employees across the country … Continue reading Sharing angels