The only judge

I find myself getting caught in a trap of judgement. I read the news and everyone is taking sides on the current border crisis. I go to work and leave at the end of the day defeated, because there's no solution to the current state of affairs. I go to bed worried that my little … Continue reading The only judge

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Why I’m #1

Child loss teaches invaluable lessons. Some seem obvious, like 'don't take anything for granted,' because you don't know how long you may have it. But there's an important lesson I continue to learn after caring for a terminally I'll child who I now parent in Heaven. And that is that I have to respect, admire, … Continue reading Why I’m #1

This is it

This article, originally posted on Still Standing, describes, so closely, so perfectly, how I feel, always. My girlfriend asked me just yesterday, as we packed up baby items to donate, if I wake up every day thinking of him. Yes, of course I do. And I fall asleep every night dreaming of him. My waking … Continue reading This is it

Being me

For just one day, maybe even an hour, I want to quit being me. I don't want to be a bereaved mother. I don't want to be a woman who had a baby at only 24 weeks gestation, only to lose him to cancer at three years old. I don't want to spend my life … Continue reading Being me

Change of personality

I stopped for a quick drink with a co-worker this afternoon at the end of a very long and stressful week. I had told myself multiple times throughout my forty plus hours that, if this doesn't matter 100 years from today, it doesn't matter now. We met at the local bar just a mile or … Continue reading Change of personality

Limits

If you are fortunate, or lucky, or live a rather untested life, you may have never truly reached your limit with anything. You may be able to tolerate certain behavior from others, take pain and suffering in stride, or push yourself further and further without ever breaking. But if you're like the rest of us, … Continue reading Limits

Easter with Angels

As I frantically shopped for chocolate bunnies and jelly beans this evening after my angel on Earth had eaten a healthy dinner and was settling in for a quiet evening with Daddy, I was remembering the only three Easters we celebrated with our angel in Heaven. I vividly remember our last, as we were in … Continue reading Easter with Angels

Our favorites

I realized an irony tonight as my little one and I settled in under a shared blanket on our worn-in couch, with both dogs nestled by our sides. He isn't feeling 100% and has had a little cough, a very slight fever, and less energy than a typical fun Friday afternoon. We had a small … Continue reading Our favorites

It’s what you make it

This is a rough week, every year. Tomorrow is the last day we had our sweet angel speak to us, hug us, laugh with us, on Earth. We held him for eight more days, but tomorrow, three years ago, was the last day his soul was truly a part of this Earth. I've learned, I … Continue reading It’s what you make it

Letters to the moon

Dear moon, I am in awe of you. We awoke early yesterday to see you in your super, blue and eclipsed state. But you were hiding behind the clouds. We spoke of you at dinner and my sweet little one described in his four-year-old way, how Earth would move and the Sun would stay still, … Continue reading Letters to the moon