Loneliness and motherhood

I had a very memorable and beautiful Mother's Day. And while there is always a sense of something missing, I felt truly celebrated and loved by both my husband and sweet angel on Earth. My boys left this week for a visit with the grandparents. I felt guilty about how excited I was to have … Continue reading Loneliness and motherhood

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I get it

In the midst of my painful week of grieving, I found someone with a similar story, but very different outcome. I read an article today about Michael Bublé and his 'comeback' to the music industry after his three-year-old son's battle with a liver cancer, hepatoblastoma. This is the same cancer my angel had. And he was also three … Continue reading I get it

Missing my baby

Hi sweet angel. I was remembering this day so vividly four years ago. It was unseasonably warm. I took you out in your new stroller. Your little body was so weak, but we dressed you in play clothes and your adorable hat. And I have pictures of you sitting at the top of the slide … Continue reading Missing my baby

The need for permission

This last week I have been more broken, if that's possible, than I have been for quite a while. The weight of not having my angel here, the decisions I've had to make, the game face I've had to wear, has just been too much. I stayed in bed for most of three days. I … Continue reading The need for permission

Trauma and grief

Because I am a neurotic, over-protective, and sometimes insane mother, I have been working with multiple professionals to try to address the needs of my angel on Earth. Like his brother, my angel in Heaven, he has some challenges. But, the challenges of the two are vastly different. My angel in Heaven was 'sick' his … Continue reading Trauma and grief

It is never acceptable

I have read, and reread, and edited this post many times over the past three days. I have been terrified to publish it. I am worried how I will appear and how it may affect my family. But this blog has always been a part of my therapy, my healing. And I feel it is … Continue reading It is never acceptable

My special boys

My angel in Heaven was special from the moment he entered this Earth. At one pound, one ounce, he would need levels of intervention reserved for the most extreme circumstances. I remember the pediatric resident, who was maybe fifteen, talking me through what 23 weeks gestation really meant when I was first hospitalized and ordered … Continue reading My special boys

Security

As I'm writing this, I can see my angel on Earth, his sleepy eyes fading as his head lies at the foot of his bed. He peers through the tiny opening of his bedroom door. I put him to bed with his two books after a night with a babysitter because I had a PTA … Continue reading Security

Polishing the past

I've written about my necklace before. It was a gift from my 'minions.' My girlfriends who cheered me through my son's chemotherapy. Who set up his service perfectly. Who cried with me. Who send me notes of how they, and their children, remember him, regularly. My girls, my squad, my people. I couldn't survive this … Continue reading Polishing the past

My rainbow baby

This term, defined in loss-parenting circles, as the child you conceive and deliver after pregnancy loss, still birth, or child loss. The 'rainbow babies' are our glimmer of hope, the reward for our trauma, the reason to keep trying and keep hoping. I was never going to have a rainbow baby. Soon after our son … Continue reading My rainbow baby