Letter to an old friend

Dear friend, We haven't spoken since the day I saw you at my son's funeral. I lost him, and I lost you. I miss you both. While I have thought about reaching out since that day, I know that it's better I don't. I am not entirely sure what I would say, but I can … Continue reading Letter to an old friend

Advertisements

Feeling death

Just before my angel went to Heaven, I lost my aunt suddenly. She was in her late fifties, caring for an elderly woman as her full-time job, and had no history of any serious illness other than a gluten sensitivity. When she died, I was terribly sad. It was a huge loss for me, and … Continue reading Feeling death

After effects

I beat myself up a lot for how I handle parenting. I am never good enough. My mothering needs so much improving. I still yell when I am frustrated. I know I shouldn't. I blame my child for acts that aren't truly his fault. I go to bed feeling badly that my five-year-old cannot yet … Continue reading After effects

I wonder

I wonder if there will ever be a day where I feel 'normal.' Right, relative term. But I mean in the sense that I don't constantly feel the heavy burden of grief dragging at every part of my body, willing me to want sleep over any other state. I've had plenty of 'good' days. But … Continue reading I wonder

Tomorrow

This was written 3/21 but posted today. -- It's no secret that this has been a tough month for me. It's also no secret that I have been in grief counseling since the loss of my angel. My counselor said something to me this week that came as a bit of a surprise. I told … Continue reading Tomorrow

I wish

I wish it were different. I wish you were still here. I wish I weren't sad. All the time. I wish I could have one day where I don't feel the gravity of your loss. I wish I could give all of myself to anyone or anything. But a part of me is missing. I … Continue reading I wish

Missing my baby

Hi sweet angel. I was remembering this day so vividly four years ago. It was unseasonably warm. I took you out in your new stroller. Your little body was so weak, but we dressed you in play clothes and your adorable hat. And I have pictures of you sitting at the top of the slide … Continue reading Missing my baby

The need for permission

This last week I have been more broken, if that's possible, than I have been for quite a while. The weight of not having my angel here, the decisions I've had to make, the game face I've had to wear, has just been too much. I stayed in bed for most of three days. I … Continue reading The need for permission

Changing for mamas

I have many strong beliefs. Since my angel went to Heaven, I have learned more about myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally, than I ever had in the past. I was a Division I college athlete. That taught me more about teamwork, and motivation, and pure grit, than anything I have experienced. I am a transplant … Continue reading Changing for mamas

Explaining the word ‘dead’

I still never speak the work 'dead' about my angel in Heaven. He is in Heaven. He is not here on Earth. But I refuse to believe that he is gone. I know he is not. He is with me in spirit, riding on my heart, and in every one of my thoughts. My angel … Continue reading Explaining the word ‘dead’