Senseless crime taking children’s lives

I have been obsessively Googling 'school shootings' since the deadly shooting at Saugus High School in Santa Clarita, California yesterday. The statistics are horrific, the fear of recurrence, even worse. As the mother of an angel in Heaven, and a school-aged son on Earth, I cannot comprehend the loss of any child victimized by gun … Continue reading Senseless crime taking children’s lives

My sweet Lady

Coming home today, even though she'd been too tired to get up and greet me for many months, I still expected to hear her, or see her, as I ascended the stairs. But, as I've learned from losses past, I had to remove the triggers. As soon as I arrived home from our last moments … Continue reading My sweet Lady

The will

Does anybody understand the will to live after losing a child? I'm guessing, no, unless you're like me. It would be so much easier to let go. It would be heavenly, to say goodbye to Earth, just to be with my angel in Heaven. I would do anything, anything, to be with him again. My … Continue reading The will

Choices

I remember taking a class many years ago when our angel in Heaven was becoming a toddler. After ten months in the NICU following his birth, he was developmentally still an infant. When we were finally able to bring him home, he couldn't yet roll over, he certainly wasn't crawling, and we worked with OT … Continue reading Choices

Relatable themes

I had the opportunity to go see the play Dear Evan Hansen last week with a friend. She has season tickets to our city theater and I had given her our season tickets for a football game, so it worked out well. The experience was a great trade for many reasons. I never go to … Continue reading Relatable themes

Letter to an old friend

Dear friend, We haven't spoken since the day I saw you at my son's funeral. I lost him, and I lost you. I miss you both. While I have thought about reaching out since that day, I know that it's better I don't. I am not entirely sure what I would say, but I can … Continue reading Letter to an old friend

Feeling death

Just before my angel went to Heaven, I lost my aunt suddenly. She was in her late fifties, caring for an elderly woman as her full-time job, and had no history of any serious illness other than a gluten sensitivity. When she died, I was terribly sad. It was a huge loss for me, and … Continue reading Feeling death

After effects

I beat myself up a lot for how I handle parenting. I am never good enough. My mothering needs so much improving. I still yell when I am frustrated. I know I shouldn't. I blame my child for acts that aren't truly his fault. I go to bed feeling badly that my five-year-old cannot yet … Continue reading After effects

I wonder

I wonder if there will ever be a day where I feel 'normal.' Right, relative term. But I mean in the sense that I don't constantly feel the heavy burden of grief dragging at every part of my body, willing me to want sleep over any other state. I've had plenty of 'good' days. But … Continue reading I wonder

Tomorrow

This was written 3/21 but posted today. -- It's no secret that this has been a tough month for me. It's also no secret that I have been in grief counseling since the loss of my angel. My counselor said something to me this week that came as a bit of a surprise. I told … Continue reading Tomorrow