100% selfish

As a mother, mourning the loss of her only-born son, I have accepted my right to be selfish. I don’t act this way all the time, and I don’t believe I am an exception to any rule. But I do believe in my right to take care of me, first and foremost. This has taken … Continue reading 100% selfish

Loss and boundaries

I have walls that protect me inside my home. I have skin that protects the systems that keep my body operating. And I have boundaries to protect my heart from pain, hurt, and disappointment. I’ve gotten better at communicating my boundaries, and caring less about how others feel about them. I’m fragile. I lost my … Continue reading Loss and boundaries

Space

After nearly six months, we are still in quarantine. We are working from home, going to school virtually, and I couldn’t tell you the last time I walked into a restaurant. We are isolated, and alone. But, I am never alone. My son, and my dog, and my husband, are always here. We are all, … Continue reading Space

I couldn’t make this up

I’ve been having some crazy dreams and visions the last couple weeks, and since I recently finished Monica Ten-Kate’s ‘Messages from Above,’ I’ve been trying to tune in to signs from spirit. I want to tell this story, but there are so many pieces, I’m going to try to share it chronologically. Apologies for run-on … Continue reading I couldn’t make this up

So much to learn

I was in a situation recently and my family was all together respectively discussing some controversial issues about the state of the world. My niece, who is 16 and incredibly driven, extremely smart, and outwardly confident, offered some opinions. At one point I looked at her and said, ‘You’re 16. You don’t know anything yet.’ … Continue reading So much to learn

The madness of this pandemic

I hit a low today. And those who know me, and have known me for years, understand that my lows are really low. It’s not an ‘I need to cry it out in my bedroom’ kind of low. It’s an ‘I need to find the closest and highest bridge’ kind of low. Even before I … Continue reading The madness of this pandemic

The stuff inside wants out

I had a terrifying moment about a week ago. Technically, nothing happened. But I was more scared, more emotional, and more sure that something had, that I damn near lost my mind. I’m an emotional person. I cry when I feel sad. I yell if I’m really angry or passionate. And I bite my tongue, … Continue reading The stuff inside wants out

Answering tough questions

My sweet son, just out of the bath, hooded towel over his head, his arms wrapped tightly to his body, paused. “Mommy?” He asked as he turned the doorknob of his bedroom. “Can anything come back from Heaven?” He asked inquisitively. I looked at him for a split second, panicked and replied, “No, honey.” “Not … Continue reading Answering tough questions

I wait for night

Every day feels the same. Sometimes the sun is shining, but lately, we see it infrequently. We wake to no alarm. Sometimes we shower in the morning, sometimes at night. We eat every meal at home. We only have one another for company. We argue over school work, cleaning up, almost everything. We're irritated with … Continue reading I wait for night

Funeral for a child

Have you ever pictured your child's funeral? Of course not. No one--no one--wants to think about their child dying. For almost five years, when I referred to our three-year-old son's funeral, I said 'service.' I could not bear to admit that we planned, attended, and welcomed friends and family to gather because my son had … Continue reading Funeral for a child