Today is the day we lost you.
I’m choosing not to think of those last moments because they don’t serve me anymore. Instead, I’ll fall asleep with intention, knowing I will feel you in my dreams.
I’ve worked very hard to be where I am. In years past, I haven’t left my bed on this day. I spend the day crying. I don’t see or speak to anyone.
But this year is different. This year, everything changed.
I completed EMDR therapy. I found a combination of medication that works. And I heard from my son.
Whether it was one or the other, or a combination of all, this year I got better.
I made the decision that I no longer wanted to be sad, then I worked. And it worked.
Today, on the seventh anniversary of my sweet Milo’s death, I left my bed. I showered and dressed in nice clothes. I even curled my hair.
I am able to do that because I asked my sweet angel for help. And this is what I heard.
He chose me because his brother needed a mom. I was chosen to be his mom. Because he needed me. And I needed him.
I don’t have to miss you.
That drop of the gut I used to have when you popped in my mind?
That has turned to butterflies.
Because I have you. You have me.
I can’t hold you or hear your voice. But I haven’t lost you. You made me what I am—and only you could have made such a perfect example.
So, I need to be great. I want to be great for you. I want to be great for your brother. But most importantly, I want to be great for me. I was chosen to be their mother because I was the best choice.
Maybe it’s bigger than me. Maybe even bigger than Milo. But what we have is a soul connection. That will never leave. He is mine. I am his. And no one can take that away. No one. Not even me.
I need to tap into my heart. And be great. Because I already am.