The Waves of Grief

Mourners talk about the waves of grief. I’ve experienced it. It’s unpredictable. It’s rough. But when it’s calm, it’s bliss. I’m on the top of the wave now, ready to roll softly and safely straight into shore. I got a visit from my baby yesterday. I couldn’t feel better. So, I’m riding it. I’m trying … Continue reading The Waves of Grief

Full disclosure

As I begin documenting some key moments in my past that led me to seek the help I needed to heal, I want to be honest in the fact that I needed several different kinds of help. I was referred to EMDR therapy while simultaneously being diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder. I was depressed before … Continue reading Full disclosure

In the early months

This video took place in late 2015 - they year we lost Milo. I began volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House Charities of Central Ohio in April. He had died in March. It could be said that I was a mess. Reality was not a place where I resided. I’d lost my very sick, only … Continue reading In the early months

My homework

For the first time in seven years of therapy, I was given homework. In our session today, my therapist said to me, “These concepts you’ve learned in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), and by reading about co-dependence, will be committed to memory if you write about them.” I never … Continue reading My homework

Celebrating Life

I attended a celebration of life today. The man whose life we were celebrating was a man I never knew. I happen to be the daughter of the cousin of the wife who was mourning. Funerals and thank you notes…two nonnegotiable acts in my family. You express gratitude when someone gifts you, whether it’s with … Continue reading Celebrating Life

On This Day

Today is the day we lost you. I’m choosing not to think of those last moments because they don’t serve me anymore. Instead, I’ll fall asleep with intention, knowing I will feel you in my dreams. I’ve worked very hard to be where I am. In years past, I haven’t left my bed on this … Continue reading On This Day

Space

After nearly six months, we are still in quarantine. We are working from home, going to school virtually, and I couldn’t tell you the last time I walked into a restaurant. We are isolated, and alone. But, I am never alone. My son, and my dog, and my husband, are always here. We are all, … Continue reading Space

I couldn’t make this up

I’ve been having some crazy dreams and visions the last couple weeks, and since I recently finished Monica Ten-Kate’s ‘Messages from Above,’ I’ve been trying to tune in to signs from spirit. I want to tell this story, but there are so many pieces, I’m going to try to share it chronologically. Apologies for run-on … Continue reading I couldn’t make this up

The stuff inside wants out

I had a terrifying moment about a week ago. Technically, nothing happened. But I was more scared, more emotional, and more sure that something had, that I damn near lost my mind. I’m an emotional person. I cry when I feel sad. I yell if I’m really angry or passionate. And I bite my tongue, … Continue reading The stuff inside wants out

Answering tough questions

My sweet son, just out of the bath, hooded towel over his head, his arms wrapped tightly to his body, paused. “Mommy?” He asked as he turned the doorknob of his bedroom. “Can anything come back from Heaven?” He asked inquisitively. I looked at him for a split second, panicked and replied, “No, honey.” “Not … Continue reading Answering tough questions