Missing my baby

Hi sweet angel. I was remembering this day so vividly four years ago. It was unseasonably warm. I took you out in your new stroller. Your little body was so weak, but we dressed you in play clothes and your adorable hat. And I have pictures of you sitting at the top of the slide … Continue reading Missing my baby

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Changing for mamas

I have many strong beliefs. Since my angel went to Heaven, I have learned more about myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally, than I ever had in the past. I was a Division I college athlete. That taught me more about teamwork, and motivation, and pure grit, than anything I have experienced. I am a transplant … Continue reading Changing for mamas

Explaining the word ‘dead’

I still never speak the work 'dead' about my angel in Heaven. He is in Heaven. He is not here on Earth. But I refuse to believe that he is gone. I know he is not. He is with me in spirit, riding on my heart, and in every one of my thoughts. My angel … Continue reading Explaining the word ‘dead’

The loss of a child

I turned on the news yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work. Generally, in the morning, our TV is either off or playing a cartoon while my son takes a few minutes to wake up before changing out of jammies, having breakfast, and brushing his teeth. But yesterday, I turned it on because … Continue reading The loss of a child

Magical Christmas

This is the fourth Christmas we have celebrated with our angel in Heaven. It will be the third we are celebrating with our angel on Earth. It is the very first Christmas where we have a child who is cognizant of Santa, terribly excited for him to visit, planning what kind and where the cookies … Continue reading Magical Christmas

Labeling emotions

My little angel on Earth and I have been attending counseling to help with some behavior challenges. I am still not sure if they are his challenges, or mine, but I felt like we could use some help. So I took a recommendation from his preschool principal, and we have found someone that is helping … Continue reading Labeling emotions

My two miracles

It has been a tough two weeks. After my #metoo incident, I have had to do a lot of work to be ok. It makes me angry how much is has affected me, my relationships, my thought process, and my work. But I am getting through it and I know eventually, I will be fine. … Continue reading My two miracles

‘You’re a mom. You know.’

I just finished reading a very powerful article about the bonds of motherhood. The article describes a mother, who visits a friend who has just lost her 21-month-old daughter. She has no words. As her friend is describing her heartbreak, she says, "You're a mom. You know." The Most Powerful Thing You Can Say to … Continue reading ‘You’re a mom. You know.’

It is never acceptable

I have read, and reread, and edited this post many times over the past three days. I have been terrified to publish it. I am worried how I will appear and how it may affect my family. But this blog has always been a part of my therapy, my healing. And I feel it is … Continue reading It is never acceptable

A connection

There is a new department at my office, full of young faces with big dreams. All of the new hires are several years younger than me - most just out of school and working their first professional role. I was in today, on a Saturday, which is not typical. The two gentlemen who work with … Continue reading A connection