You turned eleven yesterday. We sang, had a cake, and talked about the day you were born.

Even though you are forever three, a toddler, a sweet little man, I like to picture what you’d be like today.

You would have been the greatest big brother. Your brother misses you. I know you never met on Earth, but I am sure you’re watching him from Heaven.

You don’t share genes, but you share so much. He’s got the biggest and softest heart. So did you. You both love your mama more than anything, and I am so grateful for that. And I love you both to the moon, back, and a million times around the universe. You are my boys. My beautiful, loving, amazing boys.

You may not be healthy, if you were still here with us. You’d have a transplanted liver and kidney and those would require maintenance. I’d be paranoid about every sniffle and every tummy ache. We would have hidden during Covid and would probably still be locked in this house. I would protect you from everything. And at eleven, you would probably be tired of the limitations and restriction I imposed.

You’d have a gazillion friends. Everyone loved you—loves you—so much. People would gravitate to you. We would go to the library or pool, and everyone would want to play with you. And you would be so kind and tolerant and include everyone. You would have so much to share.

You would be happy. So happy. You’d laugh at good jokes and bad, you’d smile at every face you encountered, and sunlight would follow you everywhere. Rainbows would appear on cloudy days, and the birds would sing from every tree, if you were still here.

If you were still here, we’d be a typical family of four. We’d have dinner together every night and make pancakes on the weekend. We’d be active, but balanced. We’d fiercely defend one another. And we’d laugh…all the time.

Instead, we’re a family of three. We’re happy and sad. We’re complete but not whole. We’re full of love but missing a piece of our hearts. We manage to find joy and be thankful. We’re so blessed, but unlucky. This is us without you.

I love you sweet baby. Happy birthday.