Change in routine

One of the many things I have learned since adopting a child from foster care is that change of any kind can often be a trigger and cause emotional turmoil. Our sweet angel on Earth finished his last year of preschool and quickly adjusted to the summer life of part time daycare and part time … Continue reading Change in routine

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After effects

I beat myself up a lot for how I handle parenting. I am never good enough. My mothering needs so much improving. I still yell when I am frustrated. I know I shouldn't. I blame my child for acts that aren't truly his fault. I go to bed feeling badly that my five-year-old cannot yet … Continue reading After effects

The mama who couldn’t move

'Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.' - Ferris Bueller -- There are moments where I stand completely still, and it's instantly four years ago. I'm cradling my tiny three-year-old, whose legs are disproportionally small, whose head is free of hair, whose body … Continue reading The mama who couldn’t move

My two sons

One son sleeps in the room next door One son sleeps in a box engraved with his name One son will awake to sunshine and the promise of life One son is forever asleep One son bounces on a trampoline and scrapes his knees when he falls One son bounces on clouds and falls onto … Continue reading My two sons

He’s everywhere

I finally got my little angel on Earth back after his week-long trip with Daddy. They got home Friday afternoon and he was pretty much a mess of tears all evening. He was tired, and transitions are always tough for him, so early to bed it was. Saturday morning we woke up early and typically … Continue reading He’s everywhere

Loneliness and motherhood

I had a very memorable and beautiful Mother's Day. And while there is always a sense of something missing, I felt truly celebrated and loved by both my husband and sweet angel on Earth. My boys left this week for a visit with the grandparents. I felt guilty about how excited I was to have … Continue reading Loneliness and motherhood

Mother’s Day

This particular day has been bittersweet since our beautiful angel went to Heaven. Especially the first, that landed just two months after we lost him. I was childless, but a mother no less. My girlfriends took the opportunity to make a really tough day special, and have continued to do so every one since. My … Continue reading Mother’s Day

The soul’s journey

I had a thought today and instantly felt more connected to my angel in Heaven. I was driving home from work and looked up in awe at an impending storm cloud approaching. Whenever I look to the sky, I think of Heaven and what my sweet baby is doing right in that moment. That enormous … Continue reading The soul’s journey

My husband

'Thank you for saving our son's life tonight,' I thought to myself. 'I'm sorry I couldn't save his brother.' I had wished I could say those words out loud to my husband tonight. In the quickest and swiftest of moments, as I leaned over to scoop food into the dog bowl, I looked up to … Continue reading My husband

I wonder

I wonder if there will ever be a day where I feel 'normal.' Right, relative term. But I mean in the sense that I don't constantly feel the heavy burden of grief dragging at every part of my body, willing me to want sleep over any other state. I've had plenty of 'good' days. But … Continue reading I wonder