Every day feels the same. Sometimes the sun is shining, but lately, we see it infrequently. We wake to no alarm. Sometimes we shower in the morning, sometimes at night. We eat every meal at home. We only have one another for company. We argue over school work, cleaning up, almost everything. We’re irritated with each other. And there is no where to go.

So, I wait for night. From the time I wake up until everyone is tucked into bed, I am eagerly anticipating when I get to shut my eyes and just forget.

Or remember. It’s the only time in a day full of repetition and frustration, where I get to think about you. My beautiful boy in Heaven. You bring us cardinals and rainbows and we smile and remember. But I have no time for tears. I save those for when I can be alone. I don’t want your daddy or your brother to worry. But I have no time alone. So, I wait for night.

At night, I remember your smile. That grin that caused the light in everyone to brighten.

I could use that smile right now. This is the hardest work, second to learning to live without you. Learning to live with a constant threat, an order to stay home and stay safe, a life where day to day, it’s just the three of us–and you in our memory.

It’s lonely, never being alone. And today, I am failing. I am impatient. I am tense. I feel stressed and exhausted.

I wait for night so I can find you.