The roles we play

I have become my child’s best friend. I have become my husband’s true partner. And they have become mine. As a family, we are cooperating and really trying to just enjoy each other. Arguments have been paused and personality conflicts overlooked.

My angel in Heaven has become the subject of my dreams and my resource for all of life’s questions.

My pendulum of thought swings higher and higher as I contemplate the love of my family and the threat of this pandemic.

The circumstances we face—this life of temporary solitude, the fear of the unknown, loved ones in danger—has made me question my behavior and my attitude. Will my actions as a mother, a daughter, a wife, an employee, and a friend improve the world around me? It’s possible the answer is no, and I’m acting purely out of selfishness.

It’s not a conflict, or even a question, for a lot of people. Some don’t even consider it because it’s not in their mind. Some are so confident in their actions that the answer is always yes. How does my life matter and what do I contribute?

Right now, I’m a parent and a wife first. I can’t decide which role is more important day to day. So, they’re even. I concentrate the same amount of attention, thought, work, and heart to each my marriage and my child. The two things that matter to me most are my top priority.

But then there is all the other stuff. I am still working full time from home. The dynamics are different. I video chat rather than asking the room an opinion and getting a solid answer, or a sarcastic one, or a question in return. I put my head down, I do my work, and I put in the hours. I’m so fortunate to have a job. And it deserves my full effort and my full attention. It might be 7am or it might be midnight. But the work gets done because I need it. And I like to think that maybe they need me too.

And then there’s this overwhelming threat that looms like a heavy cloud before a thunderstorm. Will the lightening hit our house or will the wind knock down the trees? Will we truly watch our loved ones get sick, or worse, from this mysterious virus?

And then there’s my angel. He’s getting so little of my attention lately. We eat three meals a day at home. We both work many hours every day. We are teaching our son. We are maintaining our living space and ridding it of germs. We’re giving each other space then craving each other’s arms.

But there isn’t any time for grief. I’ve replaced it with meditation and prayer. I need my angel more than ever, and I know he can only help me while I am generating positivity, lifting those around me, and being in touch with the empathetic parts of my soul. —

My sweet Milo,

We are all having a tough time here. We’ve witnessed your contagious spirit, your unforgettable joy, and your unbelievable strength and resilience. I am not asking for anything. I trust that you will do whatever you’re able to enrich our lives. You already have, so much. And right now, I want to be just like you, my sweet son. I want to be just like you—fearless, happy, determined, soulful—and if I can do that, I believe it will be enough.

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