How can happiness and hurt coexist in the same heart? Why, when the happy happens, does the hurt always manage to squeeze its way in and take up space?

Will there ever be a time where I get to have a heart filled with happy and the hurt fades away?

As a grieving mother, I know that no matter how much happy I have, the hurt will always occupy a certain amount of space. The hurt is a reminder of how important it is to appreciate the happy.

But still, with every happiness, successful endeavor, meaningful milestone, reason to celebrate, the hurt always follows. Sometimes in the form of guilt. How can I enjoy anything when my baby is not here to enjoy it with me?

Sometimes it’s a screaming, crying, days-filled-with-tears meltdown. I try to plan for it. I know each time I’ve had a good run, the hurt is going to hit. It used to hit hard, and fast, and frequent. I have more control now, and I’m learning, with time, how to handle the hurt.

I know the hurt will never leave this heart. The hurt and the happy will continue to coexist. But if I continue to try, maybe the happy will start to take up a little more space, and eventually evict the hurt.