It’s hurting deep down in my belly today, buddy. The crying just won’t stop and I can’t seem to find the right combination of encouraging thoughts, positive memories, or distractions to fill even a small piece of the suffocating emptiness.
All I feel is your absence. And the time. There has been so much time I’ve spent without you. It’s unimaginable, the weeks, the days, the hours, I’ve continued to live and breathe without you here. How is it even possible that you’ve been gone this long? And somehow, I’m still living, surviving, thriving. I’m doing it.
But then there are days like today. And it’s the day I lost you all over again. It’s numbness in my limbs, cramping in my gut, pounding in my head. The absence of you is the most painful disease I could ever endure. And days like today, I just don’t know that it’s worth fighting. The weight is too heavy. I am too weak. I could be your mom, and I could be amazing at that. But I don’t know if I can be your survivor. Some days, buddy, it’s just too much.
It’s been too long since I’ve held you. I’m forgetting your smell and rummaging through every piece of clothing, every blanket, every object that may have some of you left for me to inhale. I close my eyes so tightly they burn, trying to feel you, touch you, remember the perfect, soft, huggable, beautiful you. I need it. I need you. If only for a moment so that I can make it another day.
But I’ll never have it. You are not here and I am still empty. I lie on the floor in your room, crying out, hoping you can hear the desperation and find a way to reach me. I writhe in pain as if I’ve been battered and shaken until I have no energy left to move.
But then I rise. I sit up and wipe my tears. I put away your clothing and fold the blankets. I breathe deeply, in and out, in and out. I tell you I am sorry. Mommy is just having a bad day and she just misses you. I promise to be better, stronger. I tell you I miss you, but I know you are safe and at peace in Heaven. I will work harder so that someday I can be with you.
I’m just missing you. I hate missing you. I love you so much. You are my reason for trying. I will keep trying. Some days are just harder than others.