I am the proud mother of a sweet angel in Heaven, taken from me two years ago at only three years old. I am the busy mother of a three-year-old angel on Earth, gifted to me from the Heavens through foster care.

No one would know, just by looking at me.

I am in constant turmoil over the grief I feel and the joy life gives. I treasure every moment of this beautiful life while simultaneously hating every moment I have to continue living it without my baby.

No one would know, unless they ask.

I still cry, every day in the car, when I’m alone. I feel like balancing grief and parenthood is an impossible task. But I know my grief is selfish, because my dear sweet angel is happy and safe and waiting for me in his beautiful paradise. And parenting, though exhausting and terrifying, is the only job in my life worth the amount of effort it requires. So I balance, because I choose this life.

No one would know, if I didn’t share.

I am a mess. But I am a solid, strong, confident, and beautiful mess.

No one has to know.