It’s no secret that I am a grieving mother, struggling every day to balance a busy life while remembering my sweet angel in Heaven. That struggle has been tougher this week as I’ve had longer, harder, busier days. My angel on earth has tested me a little more and is showing his independence in new and challenging ways. And my sense of responsibility for doing it all grows with each day that passes.

I am constantly searching for guidance in this world I’m learning to navigate. Today I read the following article:

13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do

Now, not only am I trying to be a sane human, but I’m striving to be a “mentally strong” parent. I want to be the best version of everything to everyone all the time. Realistically, I know that’s not always possible. But, the version I’ve been this past week, to me, is less than acceptable.

Today, as I sit here writing while my little man sleeps in the other room, I am reviewing the activities of our day and am counting the times I could have reacted better, showed more patience and understanding, empathized with this little man who is still finding his place in my world.

I see him interact with his peers and so often he loses his patience, reacts with emotion, or uses his body to show he’s upset, or frustrated, or just plain tired. While he’s only been ‘mine’ for less than a year, and I know that the age of three is often a time when little ones will test their limits, their boundaries with others, and assert their independence, I’m scared that his negative reactions are truly a reflection of my behavior as his mother.

The most important quality I feel I can instill in him, along with respect for others, is a sense of empathy for those around him. This is such a common theme in all I do, including my relationships, my work, and now my parenting. I want him to really grasp, and feel what it’s like to be in another’s shoes. And as much as I try to lead by example, as I truly feel the only way to ‘teach’ empathy is to live it, when it comes to my dear sweet son, I am failing him.

I constantly think of his brother in Heaven and what he thinks as he watches over us. Did I give the correction I should have? Was that consequence I settled upon appropriate for the behavior? Am I treating this child with the correct amount of discipline, and more importantly, do I show him enough how much I truly love him? Even when he doesn’t listen. Even when he makes a choice I’d rather he didn’t. Even when his behavior is less than I expect, or even demand.

Is my parenting enough to raise a confident, empathetic, sweet and independent, driven man, who at the end of every day, truly knows that he is loved?

I know I need to live the expectations I have for him. And only then will he be the very best version of himself. But am I capable of this, nearly impossible feat? Only time will tell.