Thankful and grieving

My husband, sweet angel, and I spent three beautiful Thanksgiving Days together. Each bittersweet, as we had to make tough decisions about the health of our sweet, fragile baby, that alienated the very people who offered us love and support throughout his short life.

But we did what we thought was best, and as I look back, I am thankful for each of those three Thanksgiving Days, but I grieve so much as this third one without him approaches.

Every day without him on this Earth is a challenge. Every moment I consciously take a breath, remembering that he is in Heaven, and I am here on Earth, struggling to find the purpose in continuing on, and grasping at the memory of the mother I used to be while striving to be the mother I know I am destined to become, I can’t help but gasp in awe at this life.

My beautiful baby boy, who only had three brief Thanksgiving Days with us, will witness his third Thanksgiving Day from Heaven. His mommy and daddy’s first Thanksgiving with his little brother he never met on Earth.

And as his daddy and I prepare the turkey and talk to this new little man about all that we have to be giving thanks, there is nothing on this Earth that I am more grateful for than my own damn sanity.

Grief, and parenting, and marriage, and working, and life are so G-D hard! And right now, I am thankful that I am not in some sort of institution, in a padded room, tied up in a straight-jacket.

Ok, maybe that’s a little extreme, but there were points soon after his loss that I did not know if life would continue.

But it has. And I am ok. And every day sucks, just a little bit. Some days more than others. Especially days before holidays, or days after big celebrations, or days when others seem extraordinarily selfish, or days where another’s grief makes me feel worse. Every day sucks just a little bit.

But I am still looking forward to giving thanks. I don’t care about the turkey. I don’t even really eat it. But I am thankful that I wake up every day remembering the greatest little man that ever entered Heaven then get to go say ‘good morning’ to the greatest little man on Earth.

This post started after I read the following article, which I thought had a lot of great suggestions on ‘surviving the holidays’ but I ended up on a tangent. It’s a good read, anyway.

A psychologist explains the best ways to cope with conflict over the holidays

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