My greatest fear

I had someone ask me recently, ‘What is your greatest fear?’ I actually had to think about it, for quite a while, because my instant answer was everything.

I fear everything. I am scared of waking up every day to the memory of my baby who’s no longer with me. I fear raising a child who lacks confidence and security and self-importance because his mom is a grieving mess. I’m afraid of this world where we are so self-absorbed that our things and our stuff and our material wants seem to mean more than the people who love us. And I worry that this shell of a human I am will be revealed and the walls will crumble and I will no longer be able to physically, mentally, and emotionally function.

But most of all, after really thinking about it, what I fear most is loss. I fear the loss of control over this life that keeps speeding by without asking directions, or my opinion on which route to take. I fear the loss of my network, my team, my people, when they finally realize there’s just no hope and I will actually never be the same. I fear the loss of my youth, my sanity, my happiness, my soul, as they all wane in the wake of the greatest loss of my life – my baby.

When I finally realized, and vocalized, the answer, the wise person posing the question said to me, ‘You have already suffered the greatest loss. What else, really, is there left for you to be afraid of?’

Truly? Nothing. I have already suffered the greatest loss. And I am surviving. And I have learned, through the guidance of my beautiful angel, and a whole lot of soul searching, that death is not the worst case scenario. And death is nothing to fear. And death does not separate us from those we love. And death is not an ending.

So I have nothing – nothing – left to fear.

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