Three years

Hello, my sweet angel in Heaven.

Thank you for visiting my dreams last night. I knew today would be a hard day, and I’m so happy I got a glimpse of you, even if faint, and even if brief. There are a lot of days I don’t want to get out of bed. Today I just didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want to have to say goodbye. Again.

Three years ago we said goodbye to you. I’ve missed you with my entire heart every single day since.

Today, I thought about taking the day off. I was going to take your brother to preschool, then come back home, crawl into my bed, scroll through a thousand pictures of you, watch our favorite videos, and cry. I was just going to cry, all day.

But you know what? I didn’t stay in bed. I cried, several times. But not from my bed, and not alone.

I went to work and pretended to be a typical human for most of the day. Then, at about 2:30 this afternoon, when the day started to slow and the heaviness began to fill my heart, I told my coworkers I was leaving. I picked up your brother from preschool early. I surprised him, and he was so excited. I called Grammy and told her to meet us at the movies. And we had a wonderful time. For you. For him. For us.

Because, my sweet angel, I’m a mommy to an angel in Heaven and an angel on Earth. And falling apart, or staying in bed, or crying all day may have been a valid choice a year ago. It may still be a valid choice. But I choose to celebrate you. Celebrate us. Celebrate all the good that we have. Because we have so much good.

Daddy said to me on the phone this morning as I cried from the car in the parking lot at work, “Today, let’s try and remember all that we have, not all that we’ve lost.”

I hate to admit it most of the time, but you’re daddy is right. We have a whole lot. And I know, dear angel, that we didn’t truly lose you. You’re just a sweet dream away.

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