This was written 3/21 but posted today.
It’s no secret that this has been a tough month for me. It’s also no secret that I have been in grief counseling since the loss of my angel.
My counselor said something to me this week that came as a bit of a surprise. I told her that I keep getting ‘stuck’ in those weeks leading up to and the days around his death. I try so hard to remember the smiles, the sweet words, and our cherished moments during healthy months.
But she said in order to fully grieve, and start to heal, reliving those moments is necessary.
It’s the last place I want to be physically, emotionally, and mentally. It causes me physical pain to even picture those last moments. It hurts in my heart, it hurts in my stomach, it hurts in my soul. Even after four years, any moment thinking about that time causes a physical reaction and temporary paralysis.
I never really talked about the hours leading up to his death. I don’t want to relive it and I didn’t want to share it. It was so terrifying and heartbreaking that I have never wanted anyone, other than those in that room, to have to know what happened.
I am starting to wonder if maybe I should share. Maybe it’s time. And maybe it will make these moments just a little easier.