I heard Taylor Swift’s Soon You’ll Get Better today. Yes, there were a lot of tears.

Her mom battled cancer and won. I thought, if I had written and recorded a song, would my angel have lived?

That’s one of the toughest parts of grieving. Worrying you didn’t do enough. Maybe he could have been saved if only…

I remember imagining these lyrics during a cold fall morning drive to the hospital, on my way to visit him when he was still itty bitty, cancer-free, and growing in the NICU. I wrote them down later that evening when I arrived home, alone.

—

Still lyin’ here, eight months in and winter’s coming fast
It was wintertime when he arrived but seems like longer’s passed

Friends are lighting candles and people swear to me they pray
But driving miles to see my boy makes believing harder every day

Daddy told me ‘God is kind,’ he only gives what one can handle
I recite it to myself at night when I’m thinking ’bout his candle

When I talk to him I tell him, ‘you must be up there laughin’’
And someday I’m gonna get your joke, but right now this is what I’m askin’

This boy’s too small, he’s tired and scared, he needs to know you’re on his side
I’m having doubts, I need a sign, prove that you’re my guide

I tell my boy I love him, and to keep wishing on our star
He looks up with those baby blues and I know Heaven ain’t that far

When I see that baby smile, my faith’s no longer shaken
And God, you must be smiling, too, ‘cause this heart’s no longer breakin’

—

Baby,

I will always fight for you. If I could have done more, I would have. I am sorry I could not save you. I am no Taylor Swift, and these lyrics will never be recorded. But I will continue to write for you. I love you, my sweet angel.