The will

Does anybody understand the will to live after losing a child?

I’m guessing, no, unless you’re like me.

It would be so much easier to let go. It would be heavenly, to say goodbye to Earth, just to be with my angel in Heaven.

I would do anything, anything, to be with him again. My baby. My only biological child. Anything.

It would be so much easier just to say goodbye to this world.

And I know. I get it. My beautiful, perfect, loving, and wonderful cousin, did just that. He said goodbye to this world. He sent himself to Heaven. And I, more than I’d like to admit, wish I could do the same.

I want to be in paradise. I want to forget this world and be with my sweet, perfect angel again. I would give anything to be there.

But I can’t. Maybe I’m not that brave. Maybe I’m not that desperate. Maybe I just couldn’t end me.

I know that is not my journey. My journey is to endure this painful, awful, lonely existence. My journey is to be the best me I can be. So I can be with my angel. Eventually.

But eventually feels so far away. So, so far away. And I miss him so badly it hurts. So badly that I become paralyzed for days. So badly that I doubt I can live without him. So badly that I want to give up on this life and the people who make it worth living.

But the good news, or the reality, is that I will not give up.

Not because I can’t. Not because I’m weak. Not because I lack the means to just say goodbye.

I will not give up. Because I made a promise. I made a promise to my angel in Heaven. I made a promise to my husband, the father of my children. I made a promise to my son on Earth and those special and invaluable people who love me.

I am stronger than the tragedy of this life.

I will survive. I will fight. I will be the best version of me that I can be.

For Milo. For Jonny. For all the people who love me and need me.

I will survive. Even though sometimes…a lot of times…I would rather not.

One thought on “The will

  1. Elaine Leslie Sanchez says:

    You are a very strong woman and the mother of a warrior. You have so much to give, to share, to teach. That’s why you’re here. Your unique story, your life experience and your strength, as well as your vulnerability, is what you have to give. You, more than others, can make a great difference to people who are hurting. I L Y

    Like

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