I make a conscious effort to be happy, despite the fact my only born son is in Heaven. I made a promise when his body remained but his sweet soul found a new home, that I would remember just that. And a lot of the time, it is enough.
I find beauty in this life every day. I see signs that I know he is sending. I love watching children laugh, and run, and play, and I picture him doing all those same things in Heaven.
I don’t let myself get stuck in the cycle of remembering the moments surrounding his loss. I snap a rubber band on my wrist, or shake my head, and choose to visualize a moment where he was healthy, happy, and alive.
But despite my efforts, sometimes the sadness is inevitable. I have an amazing life and am surrounded by people who are so full of love, they’ll keep me no matter how erratic my moods might be. And I know my sweet angel sees my good days, and feels when I am struggling.
And sometimes, the sadness is the only thing I feel. I can try to suppress it, and tell myself he is thriving in Heaven and someday we will be together again. And when I push that sadness down and fight against it, it still comes out at some point, often without warning.
I don’t like to be sad. But I miss my baby so much. I miss his face and I miss those smiles. I miss that he rarely cried, and while his little body deteriorated, he was always smiling.
Baby, my sad days are decreasing, I promise. I have fewer and I remember daily how lucky I am to be your mom. But today I just miss you. I want to hold you and feel you and tell you how much I love you. So today, I am going to let myself cry. Today I am going to let myself succumb to the sadness, and hurt, and anger, and I’m just going to miss you.
Tomorrow will be better. I love you, baby.