I made someone cry today. I don't feel entirely responsible, and I don't have guilt about the situation, but I am feeling a little ashamed that words I spoke evoked such a negative reaction in another human. I've been thinking about it quite a bit since it occurred, replaying it in my mind, wondering if … Continue reading I caused tears
I was looking at a recent picture of myself and realized how focused I was on that picture. The attention I was paying to my appearance. Noticing how I've aged in the months since I've become a grieving mother. My eyes are puffy, red, a little dark. I cry more now. My shoulders hang a … Continue reading I’m good on the inside
Last year on trick-or-treat, I conveniently worked late. I knew only seven months after losing my sweet boy that I wouldn't be ready for the toddlers in costume, the wagons of little ones with tired legs, the chatting with neighbors, the sympathy. This time last year I was still so heartbroken. I was missing him … Continue reading Planning for triggers
"Forgiveness is love in action." I'm writing this quote on my bathroom mirror, rereading it from the dog-eared page of the book I'm currently reading, James Van Praagh's Healing Grief, and doing my damndest to commit it to memory. Forgiveness. Love. In action. How can something so simple be so difficult to practice, maintain, sustain? … Continue reading Forgiveness
Maybe it's this time of year. It was right about now, two years ago, when we first started on the five-month path of trying to cure you. But right now, with the leaves changing, and the pumpkins on the front porches, I just want so badly to remember the good times. Yes, we spent five months … Continue reading Open heart
After eighteen months of tirelessly grieving, missing my baby, searching for answers and struggling to cope, one particular question has continued to plague me. A question that for most requires a yes or no answer. It's black and white. It's simple. It's not leading and it's usually asked in small talk conversations where new friends … Continue reading Answering the question
Hello, friends, It's been longer than normal between my posts. I have plenty of excuses but I'll use the best one I've got. Sometimes, being mother to a child in Heaven is a full time job. Yes, I also have a new full time job. And a marriage. And a house. And a dear family … Continue reading You can
Every day I have to force myself to do something, take action, be better. Every moment of being a grieving mother, living without her only baby, is a concerted effort. But I continually try. I make myself take another step, inhale another breath, sleep another night, and wake another day, because I know it is … Continue reading I made myself
There aren't many certainties in grief. It's a constant fluctuation of unpredictable emotions, an incurable and constant battle, and an inexplicable, unexplainable state of insanity. But one certainty that I think most loss-moms can agree on, and that is the uncertainty. The uncertainty of when the highs and lows, the waves, and the swings, will … Continue reading Mercy
It's hurting deep down in my belly today, buddy. The crying just won't stop and I can't seem to find the right combination of encouraging thoughts, positive memories, or distractions to fill even a small piece of the suffocating emptiness. All I feel is your absence. And the time. There has been so much time … Continue reading Missing you
Parenting Angels 