Even though I know you are still with me; in my heart and soul, every second I breathe, I still cannot get a grip on the pain of you not being physically here with me.
I miss hearing the sound of your voice every morning. I miss having you in the back seat of the car, laughing when I sing loudly, asking for a ‘gink’ and repeating ‘Mum’ over and over. I miss you laying next to me. I miss holding you. I miss carrying you. I miss walking with you. I miss you.
The pain in my heart, I believe, is a hole. It’s a gaping wound, and though each day I cover it with a bandage by working and smiling and giving a small part of myself to others, I don’t believe it will ever truly heal. That hole may be stitched over time, and bleed just a little less, but my heart will never truly be whole again.
I wish this were not true. I wish that I could think of you and smile and laugh and remember every hug and every cuddle and each and every cherished moment. But right now, all I can do is cry. All I can remember is the pain of losing you. The day I let you go and said goodbye.
I know, in this other part of my heart, that I will be with you again. But that journey seems so long, so treacherous, so impossible. Sometimes, like now, I think, why even try? Why get up? Why get out of bed? Why shower? Why work? Why pick up the phone?
Maybe it’s easier to just give up. Stay in bed. Forget to eat. Quit trying. Trying, trying to live without you, on days like today, just seems stupid. I’m tired. And I’m sad. And no one knows how it feels to be me, living without you.
But you would keep trying, wouldn’t you? Every day was tough for you, but you kept smiling. And your smile, your energy, your amazing spirit, made me and everyone who knew you, keep trying.
So many people fought for you. So many people still ask, still wonder and still pray for your little heart and soul. Because you were so good. You were nothing but good.
Buddy, I just miss you. I don’t want you to see Mommy cry. I don’t want you to know that I hurt. But I miss you with my entire being. I only want you to know that my love for you spans all the Heavens and Earth and I will never stop loving you. Never.