I woke up today with a heavy, aching sadness. It’s a feeling I’ve learned to accept, and some days I can push through, see the positives, be thankful for my blessings. But today, all I felt was the absence of my son. And it hurts so, so much.

I drove all the way to work, crying the whole time, and couldn’t make myself enter the building. Partly because I knew I looked like I had been crying, and frankly couldn’t stop, but also because I knew today would be a day where the trivialities of being human were more than I could handle.

I don’t enjoy being a broken mess. I don’t like that I have to lean on others to navigate these overwhelming waves of grief. But I won’t apologize for my feelings. Although I see them as weaknesses, I know that sometimes, the all-encompassing grief is simply beyond my control.

I will not grow cold. I will not stop loving. I will not be afraid because I am hurt and I lost the most important gift ever given me. But I will have days. And today was one of them.