My inner monologue

If I said aloud every thought that went through my head, I would be a very bad person.

Today alone, I wanted to scream during almost every interaction I had with another human. I am angry and bitter, hurt and resentful. I tell myself not to judge others. It’s not right and it’s not fair. They are lucky to not feel my pain. They are blessed to have few problems.

But if I were to vocalize my inner monologue in response to some of the things I heard today, it would sound something like this;

“I’m having a tough morning.”

Really? I cried the entire drive to work and all I thought about was how on this day last year I had only days left with my three-year-old son. And all I can think about now is how he isn’t here anymore and I am here listening to you complain about traffic and spilled coffee. Tell me more about your tough morning.

“That’s what I was thinking.”

No, you weren’t. You’re thinking it now because I just suggested it. It wasn’t your original thought. I’m smarter than you. Quit acting like you’re better than everyone else.

“You don’t seem like yourself today.”

You don’t know anything about me. And if I don’t seem like “myself” it’s because I’m trying to refrain from verbally assaulting you. If I’m acting aloof, it’s in your best interest to leave me alone. I’m remaining silent because I’m done acting happy. It’s exhausting just surviving. Now shut up and quit looking at me.

It’s obviously in my best interest to continue practicing self control. And maybe it’s in all our best interest to try and not judge, to listen with empathy and to never assume we understand.

Hopefully, no one I talked to today is reading this. And if you are – you’re welcome. I could have said it to your face.

I am a grieving mother. For this, I will not apologize. For my unapologetic inner monologue…nope, still not sorry.

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