I lost my necklace.
My necklace, the one I wear every day. My necklace, the one with my sweet baby’s initials. My necklace, the one that my girlfriends gave me on my first mother’s day after I lost him. My necklace was gone.
I was leaving for work and had almost forgotten to put it back on. I always hook it around the doorknob of the bathroom when I get in the shower. I looked at the doorknob, but it wasn’t there.
I looked on the floor. Not there either. I knew that’s where I left it. I looked in two other spots where I keep jewelry. I looked with my “happy” bracelet and my angel bracelet that I also wear in his memory. Nope, not there. I looked on the other bathroom doorknob, just in case maybe I had taken it off in there this time instead. It wasn’t there either.
I vacuumed this morning. Why in the hell did I vacuum?! I never run the vacuum in the morning. I hardly ever vacuum, period. And it was trash day. I had dumped the contents of the vacuum in the kitchen trash and taken the trash out to the curb. Who was this domestic housekeeper I decided to replace myself with this morning?
I ran out to the front of the house, pulled the bag of trash out of the bin on the curb, struggled to untie the drawstring knot, and sifted through last night’s food, the collection of dog hair from the vacuum canister, and soggy coffee grounds…but no necklace.
Stop. Think for a moment and take a look at yourself. You are squatting on the front curb, sifting through garbage with your bare hands, looking for a necklace that, realistically, is not in here.
I tied the bag and placed it back in the can. I went back inside into the bathroom and washed my hands. Then I looked in the mirror and said aloud,
“Your baby is not in a necklace. He is in your heart. He is in your soul. He is in your memories. He is with you, always and forever.”
I took a deep breath, smiled for my sweet little man in Heaven, and as I turned to leave the bathroom, I saw the necklace dangling from the hood of my hair towel hanging from a hook on the back of the door.