I want to be the mama I was to you.

I want to be loving, patient, sweet and kind. I want to love unconditionally, laugh in every moment, appreciate each test for the strength it teaches me, and know every moment, though sometimes tiresome or frustrating, is an absolute and beautiful blessing.

Please, sweet angel, guide me through this new path in motherhood. Show me that I don’t need to fear every tumble, every scrape, every tear. Tell me, somehow, that it will all be ok, and not every minute I must worry about protecting this child from every.single.thing.

How is it possible, that after losing you, I can be a mother without fear? Please, my dear, show me how.

For you, I never questioned one thought, one decision, one moment. I treasured every second, every breath, every touch. But now, it is so hard not to feel the fear, and the anxiety, and the weight of this overwhelming and impossible feat of properly raising a tiny human.

It feels like I’m doing it all wrong. I’m short-tempered and tired, frustrated and blunt. I raise my voice and I’m stern, I frown and I point.

Never, ever, was I this way with you. Never did I raise my voice and never did I scold. I gently corrected and nurtured with guidance.

It’s so much harder this time around. So, please, my sweet angel, guide me.

Help me be the mama I was to you.