I find myself getting caught up in the stress of every day life. I forgot how hard it is to balance parenting, work, marriage, a home…and grief.
The days can pass by so quickly when the morning consists of rising early, feeding and clothing a toddler, trying to get to preschool with no tears and happy goodbyes. The days are packed with meetings and urgency, one more important task than the last, and people who need ‘this’ yesterday and want ‘that’ ASAP. Then the evenings take a slower pace with family dinner, bath time, and a bedtime story. But in the blink of an eye, another day has passed, and I’m left alone in the quiet darkness, with just the memory of my baby lost, while my other sleeps soundly in the next room.
And while I use these evenings to reflect on that one missed deadline, the form I forgot to sign, the load of laundry I put off a day, these things will make no difference in my long term happiness nor that of my family. But I’d rather think of all the little things I need to do, or didn’t do, than be overcome with the agony of missing my sweet angel in Heaven.
Because I love my beautiful, stressful, busy, hectic, and fast-paced life. And I love that I was blessed with a job that stimulates my mind and pushes my skills. And I am joyful every minute I get to parent in the unique and wonderful way that I have been blessed with children. And I am thankful I get to walk this Earth knowing my angel is right beside me.
But it is still so hard missing him. And that does not go away no matter how many responsibilities I undertake, no matter how many others I care for, no matter how full I pack my schedule. Missing him, and that hurt in my heart, never goes away and it never gets better.
So, tonight, I’m going to try to focus on the little things. But not the laundry, or the deadlines, or the school forms. I’m going to focus on the memories. The little ones that only he and I shared. And that should get me through tonight.