Hello, sweet angel. It’s so hard to believe in just a few days you would be five years old. A big, healthy, five-year-old boy, thriving in preschool, choosing between soccer or tee ball, saying ‘no’ more than I’d want to hear, and figuring out just who you are going to be in this wonderful world.

Instead, I’m celebrating here on Earth while you watch from Heaven. Almost two years now Mommy has been surviving without you. Almost two years since you were my sweet and cuddly three-year-old, finally finding your voice and learning way too early what it means to fight for your life.

But you did it, my sweet angel. You fought with a grace that I will never have as long as I walk this Earth. You taught me that one smile can solve any heartache, and one snuggle can last an entire lifetime. And boy, do I miss those snuggles. And I sure do miss those smiles. Nothing since can quite compare, but you showed me that happy happens if we just try hard enough. If we keep remembering the impact you made in just three short years, the possibilities for the rest of us should be endless.

And every day when I wake up, and every minute I walk through this life without you, and every night before I fall asleep, I think about you, my sweet angel. I think about all the gifts and blessings and amazing opportunities I’ve been given because of you. I think about the miracle that is you. The simple fact that you are my son, and I got to be your mom, even for such a short time, made this life worth living. And I promise you, I will continue living and doing good for that fact alone.

Losing you, celebrating another birthday without you, walking this Earth while you’re in Heaven – none of it is what I would have chosen, and none of it is easy. But I will do it, always and forever, for you, sweet little man. I will do it for you.

I wish you the happiest birthday and I imagine that wonderful party you’re having in Heaven. I’ll eat some cake just for you and I will blow out your candles. And the only thing I could possibly wish for is that you are safe and at peace where you are and that Mommy continues to make you proud.

I love you, sweet boy.