Changing wallpaper

Five years, four jobs, three phones, two numbers, one sweet face has served as my ‘wallpaper’ and I see it every time my phone rings with a call, alarms to wake me, chimes with a new text or email.

But today, a new kind of mom-guilt set in when I was talking to a coworker about our new addition, and it took me several clicks of my phone to find a photo.

Maybe, after two years of living without him, it’s time to change the wallpaper. Time to put his little brother on the ‘front page.’ Time to turn this page.

The mere thought of removing my dear, sweet angel from the front of my phone brought a chill over me. But simultaneously I felt the yearning to give this beautiful, new, precious gift of mine the spotlight, the shine, the attention, he also deserves.

It’s my phone, for Heaven’s sake!

Yes, this is the tearful internal debate I have with myself after a three-minute conversation about daycare and potty training. But, how on Earth, do I make such an impactful decision that will weigh on my grieving heart and distracted mind? It’s as impossible as parenting a son in Heaven and a son on Earth.

For now, I’m going to take a page out of my mom’s playbook. When my sister and I were young and shared bunk beds, we would argue over who got to sleep on the top bunk. Mom’s solution was rotate. Each week one of us would get the top bunk, then, at the end of the week, we’d wash the sheets and swap beds.

So, that’s what I’ll do with my wallpaper. One week will be my angel in Heaven. The next week I’ll swap and display my angel on Earth.

Thanks, Mom!

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