How can I not be?

I am a neurotic parent. I worry about everything. I take the phrase ‘helicopter mom’ to a whole new level. I am a psychotic, overbearing, strict, insane parent. How can I not be?

I’ve been trying to figure out another way since the day I was blessed with my second child. He is a beautiful, healthy, smart, and independent three-year-old. And I am driving myself absolutely nuts trying to be the perfect parent.

I push him to use manners, because I want a polite child. I encourage him to dress himself, brush his own teeth, use the potty, even if he is not quite ready, because I want him to learn independence. Yet, I get angry when he disobeys. Sometimes I raise my voice and sometimes I lose my temper. I am a strict and often unforgiving parent. How can I not be?

I want him to understand that life isn’t always fair. That we all have to do things we don’t want to do. I want to teach him all the tough lessons, so he doesn’t have to learn them any other way, or from anyone else. But sometimes, I feel like I am too tough. How can I not be?

He tests me. He pushes and I push back. He is learning to fit into our little world, with an insecurity and fear I know I will never understand. He is a determined child. He has never know stability and he has only experienced abandonment. I will never leave him. But I am terrified of him leaving me. How can I not be?

I am a lucky parent. I have had two beautiful boys, one I carried, and one who was gifted to me. They will never be brothers on Earth. I will always be sad for that fact. How can I not be?

I am exhausted. Half of me grieves while the other half parents. I am in constant turmoil over trying to appreciate my blessings while grasping to understand my tragedies. I dream of an easier life. I want to become stronger from these challenges, but oftentimes I am just angry, and tired, and scared. How can I not be?

I want to be better. I want to know that what I am doing is right, and just, and good. I want my boys to appreciate the mother I am trying to be. I don’t want to be this person full of self doubt. How can I not be?

I am the mother of a son on Earth and a son in Heaven. I have an angel to guide me and a child to help me learn the way. I may falter, and I may fail, but at the end of every day, I am a loving mother trying her best. And I am happy. How can I not be?

 

 

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One thought on “How can I not be?

  1. Elaine Sanchez says:

    Don’t exact perfection​ from yourself. You are a great mother. Hold that little one and infuse him with your love. You’re holding them both.

    Like

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