My path

On days where I’m tired, and I feel the pressure of life, the stress of work – the difficulties of the tangible – creeping up my spine like an ache I cannot shake, I think of you.

I think of you and the beautiful, meaningful, brief life you had here with us. You never knew stress or pressure or even heartache. You led a life of joy. A life that, to any other soul may have been hard, or painful, or difficult. But a life that you greeted each day with smiles, and laughter, and joy.

Even days that were so hard for mommy, watching you sick, and tired, and worn from months of chemotherapy. You were still smiling. Still loving every minute of your beautiful, fragile, delicate life. You were – and are – a beautiful soul.

And I wonder, on days like today, when silly, meaningless stuff is just getting me down, what is my soul’s path?

Yours was so clear. You were meant to be an angel. My angel. And I was meant to be your mommy. I know that much with my whole heart. And I am meant to parent your brother.

But do I have any chance of being as wonderful as you were? You touched so many lives in such a short time and made such a positive impact on this world. And I know that, and remember that, and remind myself of that every day.

And I’ll take a small piece of credit, because I am your mom, but then these feelings of inadequacy, and doubt, and fear, and grief – they all just take over.

And I need to know, to understand, that I too, am on a path for the greater good. That this beautiful, wonderful life is not just about me. It’s not just about you. It’s about how we fit into the greater puzzle that makes everything better.

You made everything better. Your smile, your beautiful blue eyes, your voice, made everything better. And days like today, when I wonder, what is my path, what is my greater purpose? The truth is, it’s no different than any other day. I’m just missing you.

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