I am embarking on my ‘joyous quarter’ according to my best friend, as stated over a few (too many) drinks, a soak in a hot tub at a super swag Air BNB, and possibly some other influences. We were gushing over each other at our third ‘annual’ girls’ weekend with my ‘minions’ – the beautiful, amazing, supportive girls who have been with me before-during-and-after the life and loss of my angel. Those, who through it all, still choose to love me.
‘After all you have been through, and survived,’ she said, ‘I think it’s about time for your joyous quarter.’
A few of my other girls laughed a little at the term ‘quarter’ and said, if I’m only 37 and I’m entering my 4th, does that mean it’s my last, and I’m gonna die by 50?! Well, no. That’s not the point.
The point she was trying to make, was me, who at 37 – has survived a kidney transplant at 26, with multiple rejections and frequent health scares afterward, the birth of a 24-week, one pound, one-ounce infant, who spent ten months fighting in NICU, only to be diagnosed with simultaneous kidney failure and liver cancer at age 2 1/2, then sent to Heaven at age three – about due a carefree, enjoyable slice of life?
It sounds nice, doesn’t it?
I feel like, maybe, I deserve it.
But at the same time, I thank God every day I had that kidney transplant and subsequent challenges. It gave me an appreciation for life I would not have had otherwise. It made me understand medicine in a way that equipped me for the life and challenges my son would face. It created a bond between my husband and I, that no matter how many dirty dishes he leaves in the sink, and no matter how often I forget to move clothes from the washer to the dryer, cannot be severed.
And that beautiful baby of mine. I may not have had him for long. And those brief three years may have been tough, and trying and tumultuous. But there is no way I would trade them for the most joyous quarter, or life, or ten thousand lives, anyone could promise.
But still, if I have not yet paid my penance for whatever wrong I may have done, or am not yet living to my fullest potential, or have not yet fulfilled whatever Karma that is due, then that is ok. I would love, more than anything, for it to be easy, just easy, from here on out. I’d love to not feel the pain and heartache of anymore tragedy, and know that my health and the loss of my baby, are the hardest feats I will face in this lifetime.
But the truth is, there are no guarantees. And, even though I feel I have suffered a pain worse than any other – the loss of my baby – it could still get worse. This life could still be full of heartbreak. I have a son and a husband who I love more than anything. And they could, at any point, be taken from me. And I will, forever, worry about that every single minute of every single day.
But, I would like to have faith that my joyous quarter is upon me. And to acknowledge that I have faced the worst with the best I can give. And maybe there’s some hope in that. Maybe, just maybe, with my sweet angel in Heaven, and with my faith that I am here to make everything just a little bit better for someone, anyone, maybe I will have my joyous quarter.