I have been having the most vivid dreams over the last couple nights and I think my slumbering self is trying to tell my conscious self something.

Some of these dreams have been easy for me to interpret – like the one where I was sent to Dubai for work with my child in tow, and had no idea how to handle both tasks. No kidding. I never have any idea how to handle a full time job, a four year old, and surviving as a grieving mother. It’s impossible. Of course, I have nightmares.

But these other dreams, they have been filled with babies. It’s like a nocturnal nursery in my subconscious, and I awake to all these conflicting feelings about my sweet boy in Heaven, my sweet man on Earth, and all the if, ands and what-have-yous of what could have been or what maybe should be.

The first of the series, I was in a van, and I was holding a very tiny infant. It was clearly just born, and I was speaking to its caregivers as we rode in the back of the van, on a very bumpy road.

‘This child needs a carseat!’ I exclaimed as I held tight to the tiny bundle, wrapped snugly in a blanket, as close to my chest as I could hold him. ‘I have one at my house, a baby bucket seat, we are not using. I will give it to you. You need to keep him safe.’

Ok, so maybe that one is fairly easily explained. I am no psychotherapist, nor dream interpreter, but of course I have feelings of guilt that I could not save my own baby. He went to Heaven, and I couldn’t stop it. So maybe this dream was placed carefully into my thoughts to help me save another child. Even if only in my head and heart.

Then more dreams followed, each with different children, all infants or babies, some tiny and fragile, some bouncing and crawling. But all in my care in some way, and each felt as though they were mine to comfort, care for, and console.

I had many experiences in my lifetime where I ‘predicted’ or knew a friend was expecting before even they knew, or made the announcement. I don’t claim to be psychic in any way, and cannot predict the future, but in the case of pregnancies, I often have an intuition that has been right more often than wrong.

Theses dreams have made me wonder about those close to me and if and when they may announce pregnancy news and if I am getting a ‘signal’ of what to expect. Or maybe my grief is beginning to heal just a little by giving me small tastes of experiences missed, and moments I long for since my baby has gone.

I’m now the mother of a four-year-old angel on Earth and a sweet baby in Heaven. And those boys bring me more joy than anything else. But there’s something about dreaming, the if, ands, and what-have-yous, that fulfill a little piece of longing, but cause a little yearning all at the same time.