After effects

I beat myself up a lot for how I handle parenting. I am never good enough.

My mothering needs so much improving. I still yell when I am frustrated. I know I shouldn’t. I blame my child for acts that aren’t truly his fault. I go to bed feeling badly that my five-year-old cannot yet ride a bike without training wheels, cannot tie his shoes, still sleeps in a pull-up.

I am just not good enough.

Whenever I think of my sweet angel in Heaven, I have a physical response. My stomach lunges as if I were riding a roller coaster and just dropped from the apex of the biggest curve. My skin gets hot, as if I am sunburned and craving aloe and ice. Tears flood my eyes, and I gently dab them with my shirt before anyone can see. I am so tied to him, emotionally, physically, spiritually, that even a brief thought evokes a full-body response.

I hear people joke, even my husband the other day, after my cousin babysat on a work day where we had no daycare. “Well, he’s still alive!” he exclaimed through text when he arrived home. Yes, but our other son isn’t.

I hear it all the time. ‘My kid’s still alive, we must be doing something right!’

Our son didn’t survive. Does that mean we did something wrong? Did we fail as parents?

And now, we are doing it all over again. What will this result be? I cannot afford to fail again. But I always feel like I will.

3 thoughts on “After effects

  1. Lauren says:

    You ARE enough. Your love is enough. Your support is enough. Your discipline is enough. Your mistakes are enough. You are MORE than enough for your son on earth and your son in heaven. YOU are THEIR MOM and no one can do that better for them than you do!

    Also, my 5 year old son *just* learned how to ride a two wheel bike (and then his 4 year old cousin learned the next day). And he has NO idea how to tie his shoes (or anything else). And he wore a pull-up at night until fairly recently (and then there are still accidents occasionally). And he still loves me. And I still love him. And he’s enough. I’m enough. We’re enough. YOU are enough. Love you _\,,/

    Like

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