This article, originally posted on Still Standing, describes, so closely, so perfectly, how I feel, always. My girlfriend asked me just yesterday, as we packed up baby items to donate, if I wake up every day thinking of him. Yes, of course I do. And I fall asleep every night dreaming of him. My waking hours are mostly consumed with my four-year-old angel on Earth, and work, and life, but there are things, all the time that remind me of my angel in Heaven. He is always in my thoughts. Always.
I went to a concert this weekend – a band I used to see frequently through my teens and twenties. How the song meanings have changed over the past decade and a half. I used to think of the future and what would be. How I would change the world. Now I think about how the world has changed me. I was so hopeful. I still am. But I am hopeful that I continue to heal. And that my angel on Earth has a bright future. And that my angel in Heaven continues to guide us and keep us safe.
This parenting thing is so, so hard. Especially when we are parenting siblings that will never touch one another. When one baby can only be felt in our dreams. But we continue to take deep breaths and give thanks as we say goodnight in different ways to both of our babies each and every evening.
This morning I had to tell my daughter to put her shoes on 378 times – approximately. After I raised my voice because we were going to be late for school/work, I felt guilty. I mean I should feel lucky that I have a preschooler who is too lazy to put her shoes on on…