I remember vividly at my son's service, asking a fellow loss mom, "Does it get easier?" It had been less than a year since she'd lost her son, and here she was, trying to offer me what comfort she could. She said the only answer possible, "It gets different." It's true. There is never an … Continue reading It doesn’t get easier
I want to be the mama I was to you. I want to be loving, patient, sweet and kind. I want to love unconditionally, laugh in every moment, appreciate each test for the strength it teaches me, and know every moment, though sometimes tiresome or frustrating, is an absolute and beautiful blessing. Please, sweet angel, … Continue reading Help me
I find myself getting caught up in the stress of every day life. I forgot how hard it is to balance parenting, work, marriage, a home...and grief. The days can pass by so quickly when the morning consists of rising early, feeding and clothing a toddler, trying to get to preschool with no tears and … Continue reading The little things
Hello, sweet angel. It's so hard to believe in just a few days you would be five years old. A big, healthy, five-year-old boy, thriving in preschool, choosing between soccer or tee ball, saying 'no' more than I'd want to hear, and figuring out just who you are going to be in this wonderful world. … Continue reading To my angel turning five
Holidays can be hard. Holidays are hard. This time of year is work. Juggling commitments, forcing cheer, being without my baby. The most wonderful time of the year can be the worst. Unless, you let the wonderful in. Take a deep breath, get a good lung-full of wintery air, and let the wonderful in. Yes, … Continue reading Let the wonderful in
For everyone grieving, everyone struggling, everyone surviving, there's usually one thing that's harder to do than anything else. One time of day where you can't help but cry. One day of year when getting out of bed just isn't an option. One memory that will always bring that tightness to your tummy, and slowly close … Continue reading The hardest thing
I made someone cry today. I don't feel entirely responsible, and I don't have guilt about the situation, but I am feeling a little ashamed that words I spoke evoked such a negative reaction in another human. I've been thinking about it quite a bit since it occurred, replaying it in my mind, wondering if … Continue reading I caused tears
I was looking at a recent picture of myself and realized how focused I was on that picture. The attention I was paying to my appearance. Noticing how I've aged in the months since I've become a grieving mother. My eyes are puffy, red, a little dark. I cry more now. My shoulders hang a … Continue reading I’m good on the inside
Last year on trick-or-treat, I conveniently worked late. I knew only seven months after losing my sweet boy that I wouldn't be ready for the toddlers in costume, the wagons of little ones with tired legs, the chatting with neighbors, the sympathy. This time last year I was still so heartbroken. I was missing him … Continue reading Planning for triggers
"Forgiveness is love in action." I'm writing this quote on my bathroom mirror, rereading it from the dog-eared page of the book I'm currently reading, James Van Praagh's Healing Grief, and doing my damndest to commit it to memory. Forgiveness. Love. In action. How can something so simple be so difficult to practice, maintain, sustain? … Continue reading Forgiveness
Parenting Angels 