I woke up today with a heavy, aching sadness. It's a feeling I've learned to accept, and some days I can push through, see the positives, be thankful for my blessings. But today, all I felt was the absence of my son. And it hurts so, so much. I drove all the way to work, … Continue reading Taking a day
Maybe I have a skewed view of how life really was now that it's been almost a year since I lost my son, but I know our three years, though precious and amazing, we're not easy. We had long hospital stays, g-tube feeds, medications, countless appointments, therapies, specialists, emergencies, messes, and very little sleep. But … Continue reading Practicing patience
Twelve hour days, working lunches, deadlines, perfection. These are my concerns as I learn the complexities of a new profession. Fevers, ER visits, chemotherapy, organ donors. Those were my concerns a year ago as my son battled liver cancer in his final weeks of life. It's amazing how my concerns have changed in just twelve … Continue reading In time
I've heard a lot of people reference their younger years over the past couple weeks and say that if they only knew then what they know now, how differently they would have lived. I also remember several people saying to me during some of my toughest days when my son was sick, or those … Continue reading What I’d tell my younger self
Trying to describe a mother's love to a woman who has yet to parent is like trying to describe Heaven to someone still living. Even stating those words makes me feel like I am expressing a concept so far beyond my reach and putting myself in a category where I don't deserve to exist. But … Continue reading A mother’s love
For more than three years I was a stay-at-home mom, caring for a critically ill child, working part-time from a home office and attending OT, PT and pediatrician appointments. Our little family made every attempt to stay safe by avoiding crowds, practicing healthy habits and germaphobic rituals, and ensuring we never attended events where there … Continue reading When the bubble pops
Sometimes I cry. I cry long and I cry hard. My body shakes, the tears come until I'm dry and my stomach knots until it gives. My hands grip whatever piece of fabric feels most like him until my nails embed into my skin and my knuckles ache white. My eyes swell and my throat … Continue reading This is my way
After writing yesterday's piece, "Learning how to win again" I've done a lot of thinking. This is a pattern I have, and from speaking with others, countless sessions with a grief counselor and reading about grief, it seems it's a fairly common pattern for those dealing with loss. I started feeling guilty. I felt guilty … Continue reading Learning how to win again: update
I am a mother, grieving the loss of her son. We fought from the day he was born for his three years of life. I no longer get to fight that battle. I lost. We fought so hard and we lost him anyway. It's been almost a year and my wounds have not healed. I … Continue reading Learning how to win again
I imagine you running. Your hair is thick again, and cut clean like Daddy liked it. You're wearing your favorite Minion T-shirt and Puma sneakers. You look so good and so grown up in new glasses, but you don't need them. You're giggling. Someone you love is making you laugh. Everyone we've loved and lost … Continue reading On your birthday
Parenting Angels 