I have been selfish. In the last week, I have been so concentrated on controlling my temper, trying not to cry, distracting myself from the fact that the one year anniversary of losing my son is just days away, and replaying the last days I had with him. I have been coping. I stay quiet … Continue reading Small world
If I said aloud every thought that went through my head, I would be a very bad person. Today alone, I wanted to scream during almost every interaction I had with another human. I am angry and bitter, hurt and resentful. I tell myself not to judge others. It's not right and it's not fair. … Continue reading My inner monologue
How is it possible I've lived without you for almost one year? I lived almost thirty-two years never even knowing the possibility of you and three years holding onto the hope that I would have you forever. That hope is gone, replaced with faith and with patience I will hold you again. Some day. But … Continue reading Carry on
I interrupt. It is a fault of mine and it has been pointed out to me. I do it when I am not understood. I speak out of turn and I interject thoughts before others are able to complete their own. I realize it is a quality that needs improvement and I realize it can … Continue reading Listen, breathe, respond
I woke up today with a heavy, aching sadness. It's a feeling I've learned to accept, and some days I can push through, see the positives, be thankful for my blessings. But today, all I felt was the absence of my son. And it hurts so, so much. I drove all the way to work, … Continue reading Taking a day
Maybe I have a skewed view of how life really was now that it's been almost a year since I lost my son, but I know our three years, though precious and amazing, we're not easy. We had long hospital stays, g-tube feeds, medications, countless appointments, therapies, specialists, emergencies, messes, and very little sleep. But … Continue reading Practicing patience
Twelve hour days, working lunches, deadlines, perfection. These are my concerns as I learn the complexities of a new profession. Fevers, ER visits, chemotherapy, organ donors. Those were my concerns a year ago as my son battled liver cancer in his final weeks of life. It's amazing how my concerns have changed in just twelve … Continue reading In time
I want the director's cut, limited release, bonus footage, double-disc DVD so on days like this I can just hit eject, insert disc two, and get an alternate ending. In my alternate ending, I'm raising a healthy, vibrant and cheerful four year old. We are busy with everyday life and our hectic schedule is our … Continue reading Alternate ending
Trying to describe a mother's love to a woman who has yet to parent is like trying to describe Heaven to someone still living. Even stating those words makes me feel like I am expressing a concept so far beyond my reach and putting myself in a category where I don't deserve to exist. But … Continue reading A mother’s love
For more than three years I was a stay-at-home mom, caring for a critically ill child, working part-time from a home office and attending OT, PT and pediatrician appointments. Our little family made every attempt to stay safe by avoiding crowds, practicing healthy habits and germaphobic rituals, and ensuring we never attended events where there … Continue reading When the bubble pops
Parenting Angels 